Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Happy Birthday, Wife!

So, I was at work one day toward the end of November and I get a text from a number that I'm not familiar with. It read something along the lines of:
"Hello, miss. It's your wife's boyfriend."
Hi JJ! He went on to ask me if I would be open to coming up to spend New Years with the crew. Of course I wanted to, but it would obviously be extremely expensive. He explained that it would be a birthday gift for my bestest and he would split it with a couple of other amazing friends. I agreed that if I could get the time off approved, of course I would go.

By November 30th, the flight was officially booked and I was officially going to freeze my butt off with my favorite people. The hard part: keeping it a surprise from Allie. We tell each other everything! There were so many things I wanted to tell her and so many questions I had about New Years that I couldn't say or ask! 

Lucky for me, I had E to keep me posted. I couldn't very well ask JJ, what if she was around when I sent him an email or a text? What if he forgot to delete them from his phone and she saw what I had written? I couldn't take the chance. E and I developed our own code word just in case Allie was around or for E, just in case he accidentally messaged the wrong girl. Afterall, our names both begin with "Al-" and our screen names are dangerously similar. We agreed that we wouldn't mention anything about new years without proper use of the code phrase.
"Tippy toe!"
For the next couple of weeks we talked about how we were going to surprise Al with the news of my coming up. It was especially hard not to tell her when she would constantly tell me she wished I were there, or wished that I was going to be there for Christmas or that I should be E's date for New Years (little did she know!). Eventually, JJ decided that it would be be best if he were to tell her on her Birthday (Christmas day). At that time, there would only be about a week before I would arrive. I told him just to let me know what he needed me to do and I would absolutely do it.

Christmas day, JJ texted me when he was on his way to Allie's to celebrate her 20-something birthday.
"I'll be at Allie's at around 3:30. I'll call you and pass the phone so you can tell her." 
Sure thing! And sure enough, I got the phone call. We exchanged Merry Christmas' and he told me to hold on while he handed Allie the phone. After I heard her nervous, "hello?" all I could think to say was:
"Hi! I just wanted to say Happy Birthday... and I love you... and I can't wait to see you on Thursday."
 The reaction was caught on tape and might I say it was quite hilarious. However, I don't have the code to embed it in this blog. Ho-hum!

See you in a couple days, love!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Uncensored: Audacity Awareness

They say when it rains, it pours. In my (un)professional opinion, I'm not sure if it's because a lot of negative things happen at once or if it's because since we're already sensitive from our one bumming event that we just think everything else that follows is negative. 

I consider things to be really "bad" when I feel the need to call my best friend and begin the conversation with, "you're not going to believe this..." Otherwise, things can wait until the following day until I see her on AIM. She also suggested that I write about it and eirgo, she contributed to the title of this very blog.

A couple months ago, I went on a first (and last) date with this guy we shall call Brad. We seemed to have a great time. We talked, laughed, shared a few drinks, shared a snack (I paid) and then we played video games in which I whooped his scrawny butt. All the signs pointed to "GO - collect $200." We even sat in the parking lot for what seemed like two hours talking and kissing like teenagers. The months pass, we don't see each other again, but we continued to talk here and there. He would complain about how he's embarrassed to date anyone because his career isn't going where he wanted it to go, he was 30 living with his parents and he in all felt like a loser. I was supportive and I gave him words of encouragement until he landed his dream job (well, almost) to which I said, "see? I told you things would work out."

In the last few weeks, Brad would tell me he wanted to hang out again, even shared his thoughts about what he'd like to do in a physical sense (oh, behave). He's very charming in a dorky sort of way, so a few nights ago, I felt like playing along with him. I sent him a message asking him if he could do me a favor. My plan was to follow it up with something flirty. Brad's response:
"Make it quick. I have to be up at 5 AM for work."
The only thing I could think to say after that was, "goodnight." Talk about a mood-killer! The next evening, I got an IM from him saying:

"Now I know how you felt after our first date."
I was intrigued! I didn't even know how I felt after our first date. He went on to explain that he went on an amazing date on Christmas Eve and he hasn't really heard back from the girl. He was bummed out because it was the best date he's been on in 10 years. There were several other details and I sat there and read each message with many different emotions swirling around my brain. Is this guy serious? I didn't know which was worse! The fact that he assumed I felt my date with him was the best I had been on in 10 years or the fact that he had the audacity (word of the day) to vent to me about his woes!

I let him have it. Boy, did I let him have it. I calmly (yet firmly) explained to him how silly he was to assume that's how I felt. Not only that, but if he thought I felt that way, then what in his right mind would make him think it would be okay to tell me about his problem? Looks aren't everything, because as handsome as this guy may have been, he definitely wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. The only thing I could think to say after that was:

"Since day one I've been trying to be nothing but understanding and supportive but I can't help but think you're just a dick. I'm going to go ahead and take your advice from last night and 'make it quick.'"
Gone. Deleted. I've seen "He's Just Not That Into You," I don't need this crap!

Two days later I check my messages and I have an email from a dear, old friend whom we shall call Ben. Ben goes on to write that he needs me to disappear from his life because he's trying to patch things up with his wife and he doesn't want any distractions (she's never really liked me - it's more for her). I can appreciate that, although, the night before he was using me as a shoulder and didn't want to lose me again. He also explained that if they were to split for good, he would be back to reclaim his old friend.

I was a little hurt, but I wrote him back telling him that if he were to come back, hopefully I'd be understanding enough to accept. Later on that same day, he sends me an IM saying:

"Of course you'll accept, that's what friends do. We'll have a beer and laugh it off."
The audacity! How dare you toss our life-long friendship aside and then assume that I'll accept it when you're ready to pick up again. If you feel my friendship is disposable, then maybe I shouldn't be so forgiving.

Audacious audaciousness! Do you mooks have any pride?

au-da-cious  /ɔˈdeɪʃəs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [aw-dey-shuhs] Show IPA

–adjective 1. extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless: an audacious explorer.
2. extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive: an audacious vision of the city's bright future.
3. recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; brazen.
4. lively; unrestrained; uninhibited: an audacious interpretation of her role.


Friday, December 25, 2009

2009 Christmas List: UPDATE

I got the toothbrush. 

...and only the toothbrush.

Heck, I may as well do a review on it.

So, good ole' pops picked out the Philips Sonicare Essence 5300. It's the cheapest model, I believe, but I absolutely dig it.


The one I was introduced to (at my dentist office) was this heavy-duty mammerjammer with different settings (rush mode or regular - kind of silly) and a UV cleaner. This model, the e5300 is pretty basic - no special settings, no UV sanitizer but I've already used it 3 times and each time I feel like I just got a professional cleaning. It also has a neat feature where it automatically turns off after your 2 minutes. For those of you with poor hygiene, you're supposed to brush your teeth for 2 minutes (in circular motions if you want to get specific). You don't even need to do that with this brush, actually. This sucker is wicked powerful. In fact, I'm going to recommend that toy manufacturers (adult or otherwise) should start using that technology, if you catch my drift.

Overall, A+. I loves me my new toothbrush.

Now, someone send Ryan!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Adventures of A&A: Fantastical Fiction

"A day in the life of a girl and her wife."

Allie: all i want to do for a living is write
Allie: my own shit
Allie: my own way
Alicia: yeah, good luck with that
Alicia: lol
Allie: carrie bradshaw did it!
Alicia: she's not real, baby
Allie: i know
Allie: i want her career...and her shoes

Monday, December 21, 2009

Heaven is Convenient

I liked Brittany Murphy. A lot. Since I first saw her. I'm absolutely heart-broken that she left us so tragically at such a young age. It's in these moments that I wish I believed in God because I hate picturing someone's life just blatantly ending with nothing afterwards. I guess this is where my trouble lies.

Hopefully her energy is somewhere peaceful.



Wednesday, December 16, 2009

2009 Christmas List

I'm Jewish and non-religious, so without further ado, here is my Christmas wish-list:

Pleo by Ugobe
That's right, we all know this. I want a "life form" that won't crap on my carpet. Or eat. And has an OFF button if necessary. Besides, who doesn't want a pet dino? Hopefully we get Christmas bonuses at work 'cause this is where it's going. Mommy's coming, Pleo!

Philips Sonicare mack-daddy electric toothbrush
What?! I like clean teeth. Besides, I have dental floss in my purse, desk at work and my house, so why don't I own this? Exactly - it would only make sense. 

I've wanted one of these bad boys since I was a kid. I want the animal, not the bills that come with it. These things are massive. That is all.

Micro pave diamond ring
Okay, so, obviously it doesn't have to be emerald cut, but I'd like a diamond ring that has diamonds surrounded by diamonds. Platinum or white gold, size 3.5.

Ryan Buell
I've also wanted this for a while now. I'm pretty sure he comes as a combo deal with the ring above, no? My mother says he's creepy-looking like Malakai from Children of the Corn. I say NAY! Ah, crap - I missed the season 4 premiere of Paranormal State last night, didn't I? CRAP!

I miss her. She loves me unconditionally and I love her the same. She's the one person who can do the most dumb things (which she doesn't really do) and I still don't get frustrated with her. Plus she takes wicked good care of me. I wouldn't mind her moving down.

This concludes my wish-list for this year. Thank you in advance.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Adventures of A&A: Mistaken Identity

"A day in the life of a girl and her wife."

Allie: i love dave
Alicia: kotchie?
Allie: matthews
Alicia: OH
Alicia: lmao

Ode to John Mayer

Dearest John Mayer,

How your youthful, naive awkwarness captured our hearts. Your excellent hair and grimace guitar faces sucked us in like a vortex.


You caught a lucky break, dearest John Mayer, and nailed yourself a former attractive actress. So what if her weight fluctuated up and down like the temperature of a Florida winter? Several tattoos and fat supermodels later, you're still the man. 

A Berklee attendee who gets off on making others wonder. Did you ever graduate? You write songs about smoking pot and being in love, yet you do not love. Are you sad, John Mayer?

A future legend, you are, John Mayer. Your douchebaggery is something I can overlook. And I do.

Come Back to Bed.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Death Penalty: Sweet Dreams!

I'm typically a classy eye-for-an-eye kinda lady, but I'm still not sure how I feel about the death penalty. I was reading the BBC News and I came across the article about how Oklahoma is finding a more "humane" form of the lethal injection (article here). They say it'll be a more "peaceful" death, whereas sometimes the other form of lethal injection may cause suffocation due to muscle paralysis.

Do I care?! The person is being put to death because they put someone else to death. Odds are they didn't show the same courtesy to their victim. Why should they get free housing and food while they wait for their anesthetic? Yes, they compare the new injection to anesthesia. You will peacefully close your eyes and not wake up. Ever.

Furthermore, do I even want them to die? That's like putting them out of their misery. I'm not religious, so I don't believe that they'll necessarily go to hell. Eirgo, I want them to rot. Suffer. Think about what they've done for the rest of their miserable, caged lives.

But wait, fickle aquarius. No one wants to be told their life is going to end because of something they've done (suicide doesn't count). I'm sure the 10 seconds when the verdict is delivered are the most horrible 10 seconds of their life. My heart would freaking sink if I heard other people were telling me that I'm going to be killed as a punishment.

My tentative solution: Sentencing criminals to death row and not actually killing them. It's perfect! They live their lives out in prison wondering when their day is going to come. I also recommend that they're told they're going to be lynched or mamed in the guillotine. Something awful and gut-wrenching just to add fuel to the fire.

Call me heartless, but for some reason "sleepy-bye" medicine just doesn't seem like justice. It almost seems like a favor.

It was brought to my attention that I contradicted myself with the housing/food situation. Yes, I do. Obviously felons are going to be placed in prison where they're fed and given a slab of cement to sleep on which the citizens pay for. I just think murderers should be treated differently. I suggested to my dear friend Andy that we throw killers in a hole and let them starve slowly, yet surely. Maybe throw them a few sips of water and a ration of bread like the prisoners of concentration camps were given until they eventually wasted away. Andy quickly put me in my place:
Andy: that's cruel and unusual
Andy: unconstitutional
Andy: if we can't do it to terrorists, who aren't even US citizens, we certainly can't do it to prison inmates who are.
Very well, then.

P.S. You can catch the blog he contributes to here.

Myspace: Creeper McCreepalman

I used to be completely into Myspace and I hated Facebook. That may partly be because I wasn't in college and I couldn't join Facebook at the time, but I found Myspace to be colorful and fun. Oh, and I don't like change, but I digress.

Myspace was easy. Put your page on private (if you wish), add and deny friends as you please, keep comments public or private via messages -- easy and fun to use. You could even go into stalker-mode and browse around for people in your area or search for people by name. I had a lot of fun with that and if you say you didn't do it you're a liar and I don't like liars.

I was a faithful Myspace user for years. I never got into Facebook or Hi5 or even Twitter (now). Trust you me, my life is not interesting enough for Twitter. The only time I've ever strayed away from my beloved 'Space was when Facebook became open for anyone to join. I was finding that more people I knew liked Facebook better, so I took the plunge and created my account. Slowly but surely, Facebook overruled Myspace.

Granted, there are still a few friends who don't use Facebook and they only have Myspace accounts, so I kept my profile active checking it only when I received notifications that I had a message or a friend request. I've had the same page content for at least 3 years and although my tastes may have slightly changed, the Myspace world is not aware.

Then it happened.

A few weeks ago I was shopping with my mother for a Thanksgiving platter dish to bring to my uncle's house for dinner. There's clearly no other place to do that aside from The Tower Shops for obvious reasons. We looked diligently in Old Navy, DSW shoes, Bath and Body Works and the pet store, but no dish. After a while, we made our way over to TJ Maxx and scanned the purse section, but to no avail. We figured it couldn't hurt to check the home goods section, so we walked up and down the aisles checking all of the plates and dishes for something festive.

I glanced up and I saw him. Dexter Morgan. In TJ Maxx. Okay, not really, but I saw an old friend whom I haven't talked to in years. I recognized him instantly, and even though I know he saw me, I could tell he didn't recognize me. Marme and I left the shops empty-handed (well, platterless, anyway) and headed home.

I'm not impulsive at all, so I immediately fired-up my laptop and searched for him on Myspace (I guess we deleted each other in the past after we lost touch). I shot him a simple message saying, "Was that you?! It was, wasn't it." He replied minutes later, but he had no idea what I was talking about. Or at least he pretended he didn't. No matter - the next few days were spent exchanging messages and catching up a bit.

I decided I would also update my profile page. I changed my layout to the new style, which apparently means you have to update all of your privacy settings as you go along. I failed to note that. The friend requests and messages from random people began pouring in.

Weirdos from all over South Florida were sending me messages. Some of them, repeats. "Your beautiful." You can't spell, sir, and I don't know you. I quickly figured out that my profile was no longer completely private and addressed the issue. Did it help? No! "Your beautiful." I still don't know you. "MiAmI hOtT bOii wants to be your friend." Who?! At least 20 different people and messages flooded my inbox.

Random guy: How come you didn't respond to my message? Do you have something against me?!
Lee: I don't know you, sorry.
Random guy: So you have something against getting to know new people?
Lee: Yes.

Next message.

"Your beautiful."
Sir, this is the third time. I didn't reply the other two and this is obviously not going to be the charm. *BLOCK*

Myspace, you are officially the most creepy website ever and my love for you has completely deminished. People of Myspace, you are even more creepy for utilizing the website as an excuse to harrass. I am not impressed.

Nick, it was nice running into you. Please start using AIM.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Adventures of A&A: Teleportation, please.

"A day in the life of a girl and her wife."

Allie: really wish you were here for xmas
Alicia: maybe one year we'll plan for it... its just always so nuts during the holidays
Alicia: expensive and busy and ridiculous
Allie: yah
Allie: most def
Alicia: effing teleporters
Alicia: they need to get on that
Allie: i know
Allie: who do we talk to?
Allie: Nasa?
Allie: Obama?
Alicia: lmaoooooooooooo

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tiger Woods, You Scumbag

Tiger Woods crashed. Tiger Woods cheated... with multiple women. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.

W H O    G I V E S    A    R A T S   A S S ? !

I hate the news. I find it depressing and it bores me to tears, but I have to believe that there's something more important in this ridiculous world than how Tiger Woods decides to live his personal life.

Dear Media,

Are you that desperate for stories? Tiger Woods plays a great round of golf, he's not the spokesperson for fidelity. When the drama of his personal life overshadows any other story on CNN, or every single magazine or gossip website posts the same story with a few different words, not only are you being redundantly boring and unoriginal, but you're showing how idiotic you really are when you're depicting this to be the most important piece of news since Thanksgiving.

Get your heads out of your asses and talk about something that matters. I have friends in Afghanistan.