Adventures of A&A: Thinking Ahead

"A day in the life of a girl and her wife."

Allie: 

oy

on a completely unrelated note

i bought my new years dress

: )

Alicia: 

it's may

Allie: 

i know

You Tell Me Now?!

I was going to write this post about how I'm not feeling myself lately. I was telling my coworker/friend whom I confide in that I feel like I've become the biggest curmudgeon in the last 4 years. He was quick to correct me that I'm not bitter and jaded, I've just lost my confidence. I'd prefer that over just being a plain jerk.


I've been talking to old friends on Facebook. It's amazing how happy I was when I was with them and it's amazing how simply reminiscing about those times brings me to happier place. I must've talked to at least a handful of old friends who admitted to having a crush on me back during those days. That's not relevant to this post aside from it making me feel good, but I thought it was funny because I'm positive it's happened to all of us. 


I'm trying to change direction a bit to get myself back (myself from those happier times) and although I wish it would happen faster, I know it's going to be a slow, annoying, painful process. I'm thankful to have some old friends in my life again. My former roommate/coworker and now semi-boss. I had forgotten how helpful and kind he is. I know that spending more time with him is going to help me get on the path of regaining my self-confidence and increasing my overall worth.

I think he's onto something:

Git R Done

Sign on my friend Mike's fence. Motivating.

The Worst Kind

Sometimes I miss him. A wise friend told me to write him a letter telling him exactly how he's made me feel over the years, fold it, and put it in my wallet. When I find myself missing him, take it out, read it, and remind myself why I finally walked away. I took the advice and I wrote the letter. I don't think I've ever taken it out to read it, though. I don't know if it's because I lived it and I recall how he's made me feel quite vividly, or if it's because I don't want to relive the way he's made me feel. Either way, the letter stays put.


I applaud myself on this one. This was one "relationship" where I think I did everything as right as I could have. I was very open and honest with both myself and him about what I wanted and how I felt. I didn't get the same in return. I also allowed myself (slash WANTED) to be affectionate with him. He reciprocated usually. I tried to decipher through his mixed-up, mixed signal comments, explanations and thoughts. 

"We can't be together. It would never work." *Kiss*

His career paths were noble ones. In my mind, I turned him into something he was not. I made him better for me than he is. I made excuses for his behaviors: One, two, three, four...one- hundred strikes. Even when he was wrong, he was right. I can't help but think of him whenever I pass his "job."

"You would be the only girl with tattoos that I'd ever like."

Sometimes I would get shut down, put down and held down and then I'd get a gift two days later. I used to think it was because he cared and thought of me. Now I just think it was some form of abuse. A pattern behavior. As honest as I was, I would still get told that I was making things up, that it was all in my head and I was the crazy one. My only response was and could only be: You've treated me like dirt. I don't need to make up more reasons to hate you.
But I don't hate him; I feel badly for him. I just know I can't and won't be around anymore to take the abuse.

Hopscotch

Why is it to take one step forward you have to take two steps back?

I just pressed "delete" no less than 30 times. I guess this is to be continued!

Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome

This isn't new:  I let everything that's good pass me by.  I think it's a disease (or disorder) like hoarding or sex addiction.  I admire those who aren't afraid to be happy and to take the necessary, though not always smiled upon, steps in order to achieve that ultimate happiness. 


I've let my anxiety hold me back from a lot of great experiences.  I've also let the fear of how others would view me stop me from doing things that I wanted to do.  All that's gotten me is a stigma of walking the line.  I'm not Johnny Cash, and even though he walked the line, even he stepped off track. 


I've also let many (and I mean many) great guys disappear because -- simply put -- I just didn't appreciate them at the time.  My stubbornness gets in the way each and every time and then I usually decide that I'd be happier alone in the end.  But really, I don't want to be alone. 


Moving along, I recently thought about an old acquaintance (dare I call him "friend"?) that I had  a few years ago.  Actually, I had thought about him off and on, but when we ran into each other at a store, it was blatant confirmation that I had to rekindle our romance of words.  He was always very kind to me:  always there to throw a compliment (if I were willing to catch), always there to stimulate me (my mind, guys.  My mind), and always ready to lend a logical piece of advice or a hand if there was anything he could ever do.  I took this for granted.  I guess I'm always afraid of leading people on, or turning friendships/relationships into something they're not.


I cut him loose.  Nothing like, "Hey, your services are no longer required," but we slowly just stopped all communication.  And that was it. 


So upon this meet cute we had in the store; although not so much "cute" as we didn't even exchange words, just glances, and we started communicating again, it obviously just wasn't the same.  We had both been through a lot.  We exchanged a few texts here and there, a few emails, made plans to get together to catch up (but not the actual "meet up" plans, the kind of plans you just say you're making, yet never actually do it), but never did we really get back into our old groove. 


I thought about this and confronted him.  I told him I missed talking to him.  I love the way he writes, so I always have a comment when I read anything he posts, but I haven't been getting responses.  What's the deal, man?  He apologized and told me that sometimes he gets that way, but it's by no means my fault and he'll do better.  He promised.  Then he tells me he's moving.  I thought: No!  The only person I wanted to hang out with is now leaving!  Upon further inquiry, he reveals he has a fiance' and a new job.  I can't remember the exact words, but even though it was in writing, I got the indication that I was being a nuisance and this was his way of being rid of me.  The only thing I could think to say was, "Okay. Good luck!"  And with that, I deleted his phone number. 

Why do I feel so dumb, though?

We were always friends, but I'm not sure if we were ever completely on the same wavelength.  I enjoyed his friendship, as I'm sure he did mine but I think at one point there were more feelings there that I never gave the chance to be explored. 


I know he'll eventually read this, and that being said:  I want you to know that I know I have bad timing; I've always been that way and for some reason I don't think I'd change it if I could.  I don't think running into you was coincidence and I was definitely looking forward to maybe starting a more active friendship, but apparently the stars have a different path for you!  I'm sorry I let all these years go to waste instead of just giving you the time and attention (as my dear friend) that you selflessly deserved.  Congratulations! 

At Least I Have the Cell Phone

I am queen of the dreams - at least in my own mind. I love to dream and I tend to remember mostly all of them (or so I think!). Last night was particularly interesting. Not so much the dream itself, but who was in the dream. 


There was a girl I knew in middle school. We weren't very close friends - maybe a few words exchanged here and there, and the most we shared were a few classes growing up. She was tall, smart, friendly, loved succeeding and she sure wasn't afraid to share her success. I remember having a math class with her in 7th or 8th grade and she showed us a catalog she had modeled for. She was proud, as she should've been and I remember thinking how cool it was for her to be able to balance her friends, school work and such awesome extracurricular activities the way she did. 


I hadn't seen her after 8th grade and after the end of freshman year I moved up to New York. Being that we weren't really friends, I hadn't thought about her since. I do remember watching one of those spring break MTV shows and I saw her on there. "Holy crap! That's Lauren!" Fast forward a few years later, and back to South Florida I went.


I love how everyone you ever knew in your life is on Facebook and I also love how you remember all of the names even as adults. Most of the friends I have on Facebook are classmates I had throughout my life and I'm okay with that -- Lauren being one. It came as no shock to me to see that she's made it in the modeling world. She looks exactly the same and she still seems like the same girl we knew back in junior high. So the dream, you ask? Fine.


In regular dream-fashion, I have no idea why things were or how things were, but Lauren and I were good enough friends for her to have given me an iPad-type device and I suppose some sort of hand-held game. In exchange, I had given her a cell phone under my name (bad credit, maybe?). I must have done something to rattle her cage because before I knew it, the wireless on my "iPad" wasn't working and she made it very clear that if I wanted it to work again, I had better send her a lot of flowers like her other "smart friends." Jeez! What did I do, girl?! Must've been bad.


My revenge? No problem, I'll just call the cell phone service provider and terminate your contract! It would probably cost the same as sending those flowers! Before you knew it, she turned into the evil other-mother in Coraline and chased me all over trying to take my phone so that I couldn't make that call. 


I guess it's just so vivid to me because I have numerous dreams where I'm trying to hide as if it's a life-or-death situation. I sure hope it wasn't one in this case!


Damn, Lauren! What'd I do?!